Weekly doctor visits really make the reality of what's about to happen sink in. With only 1 maybe 2 visits left I'm starting (yes, starting) to realize that maybe asking some questions about things might be a good idea. You see, I usually just use the avoidance tactic when an uncomfortable experience is on the horizon. If I don't think about it, don't talk about it then it's not going to happen right?
Pretty sure this c-section thing is going to be happening again and very soon. And yes, I'm a planned c-section. No, I'm not trying for a V-BAC. I know *some* people frown upon planned c-sections. It's like they think it's the easy way out. No work, just lay there and have the baby cut out of you...no damage to ahem certain areas below.
I did not want a c-section the first go around. I cried when they told me there was no other option. I tried to wait for Ethan to come on his own, I had to be induced and went through all the motions...even the pushing and he just wouldn't come out. A big baby plus a small pelvis equaled c-section in my case.
I felt like I failed.
I felt like people thought I'd given up.
Sometimes things just are what they are.
This time around I expected a c-section. I did not investigate a V-BAC all that much. There are some people out there that really have a strong desire to have a natural birth and have that true birthing experience and that is amazing. I personally am concerned with the baby getting here and everyone being healthy. I'm not saying that the other people aren't...I completely understand where they are coming from and fully support it...but my desire for that just isn't quite as strong. I see a V-BAC as a risk to both my health and my baby's health. Situations could arise that would land me not just in a c-section, but an emergency c-section and could possibly take away my chances of having more children and those risks are just not something I'm willing to take on.
With that said, I have to admit that I am beginning to get extremely nervous about this upcoming surgery. I didn't have much time to think about what was going to happen when I had one with Ethan, but this time around I feel like everything is going to be so...well...operational. I get nervous about getting my blood drawn, so you can imagine the anxiety I feel about having my abdomen sliced opened. And yes, I've done it before...and no, that doesn't make me feel any better about it.
Last week we had an accidental ultrasound. I was seeing a nurse practitioner instead of my regular OB and somehow landed in the ultrasound room. I asked why I was there, but I guess my confusion did not seem to matter to them. I found out that my fluids were just fine and that I have a BIG healthy boy growing inside. At 36 weeks he was weighing in at 7 pounds 6 ounces and is on track to be a 9 pound baby. Of course those are just estimates, but it would not surprise me any seeing as how Ethan was 8 pounds 7 ounces although he was born at 41 weeks and Jackson will be at 39.
Those numbers kind of solidified things for me. There is no way this baby would have even been able to come out the natural way with numbers like that. My body just wasn't made for it. My hips just never widen. A c-section is definitely the right choice for me.
Birthing and raising babies are so very personal. Everyone has different ways and beliefs and that is just a-okay. In the end, there are no trophies handed out. And I wish there was no judgement passed, but there is. All that matters though is that we get to come home with our little (or big) bundles of joy and do our very best to raise happy children. We all just take different paths to get there and that should be respected.
Linking up with Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out.