It's 10:37PM. My face is squeaky clean and smells like Olay. I'm comfy in bed wearing the same clothes I wore all day and had slept in the night before. I'm mostly content, but then again I'm not really. I've tried my best to hold myself together, to not let things get to me but they do. No amount of projects or goals that I throw in front of myself will truly distract me from what's actually going on. It's so funny because I know something is wrong, but yet I just can't actually deal with it yet.
I broke down yesterday and just cried. Enough was enough. Things had gotten the best of me. I'd been stressful and impatient and truth be told I didn't feel like a great mother or wife. I could not get myself together. I cancelled plans, got in my pajamas and cried. Big fat tears.
My husband made dinner and I just took it easy. It was what I needed in the end. I may not have gotten out of my pajamas today, but I was better. The house got picked up, I enjoyed time with my son and I had dinner ready to go by the time my husband arrived at the house. I had a good day.
Sometimes I feel disconnected from myself. I know there's a problem, but until I can actually carve out time to face it...it will just eat away at me. I don't want to become that person again. I have worked really hard to deal with things as they come and not let them eat away at me.
I don't have time to be that person again. I have people that depend on me. I can't wallow in my pajamas with a bag of sour patch kids and a blanket over my head all day just hoping it goes away. Not dealing with things does funny stuff to you. It makes you miss out on all the good in life. Why haven't I posted my son's 15 month post? Well frankly because I"ve been too damn caught up in myself to take some decent pictures of him. I'm too caught up in what don't have to concentrate on what I do have and that's just plain sad.
This blog is my outlet and it's felt like torture to sit at my computer lately to write. I knew what I needed to write all along, I just didn't want to do it. I wanted to put on a brave face and say..yep, I'm dealing with it just fine, but I'm not. It's getting to me.
***This is my attempt at stream of consciousness. I just needed to sit down and write. This is not a "please cry me a river" request. It is what it is. Not all of life is happy, sometimes you get lemons and now I just have to figure out how to deal with them.***
All images are property of Laura Sager unless otherwise noted.