Tuesday, January 10, 2012

What I Really Needed to Say

It's 10:37PM. My face is squeaky clean and smells like Olay. I'm comfy in bed wearing the same clothes I wore all day and had slept in the night before. I'm mostly content, but then again I'm not really. I've tried my best to hold myself together, to not let things get to me but they do. No amount of projects or goals that I throw in front of myself will truly distract me from what's actually going on. It's so funny because I know something is wrong, but yet I just can't actually deal with it yet. 

I broke down yesterday and just cried. Enough was enough. Things had gotten the best of me. I'd been stressful and impatient and truth be told I didn't feel like a great mother or wife. I could not get myself together. I cancelled plans, got in my pajamas and cried. Big fat tears.

My husband made dinner and I just took it easy. It was what I needed in the end. I may not have gotten out of my pajamas today, but I was better. The house got picked up, I enjoyed time with my son and I had dinner ready to go by the time my husband arrived at the house. I had a good day. 

Sometimes I feel disconnected from myself. I know there's a problem, but until I can actually carve out time to face it...it will just eat away at me. I don't want to become that person again. I have worked really hard to deal with things as they come and not let them eat away at me.

I don't have time to be that person again. I have people that depend on me. I can't wallow in my pajamas with a bag of sour patch kids and a blanket over my head all day just hoping it goes away. Not dealing with things does funny stuff to you. It makes you miss out on all the good in life. Why haven't I posted my son's 15 month post? Well frankly because I"ve been too damn caught up in myself to take some decent pictures of him. I'm too caught up in what don't have to concentrate on what I do have and that's just plain sad. 

This blog is my outlet and it's felt like torture to sit at my computer lately to write. I knew what I needed to write all along, I just didn't want to do it. I wanted to put on a brave face and say..yep, I'm dealing with it just fine, but I'm not. It's getting to me.

***This is my attempt at stream of consciousness. I just needed to sit down and write. This is not a "please cry me a river" request. It is what it is. Not all of life is happy, sometimes you get lemons and now I just have to figure out how to deal with them.***


  1. so honest, so pure. i felt it.


  2. you are not alone. thank you for posting.

  3. I'm not struggling with the same issue you are, just something a little different. Thinking about you.

  4. Hey we all have days we want to stay in our pajamas...and guess what...that's ok. It only makes you human.

  5. Hope things turn around for you soon. And thanks for being brave enough to post this. You're not the only mama out there to ever get stuck in "Pajama Mode". A good PJ day is essential every now and then.

  6. I felt like you just went inside my head, took my thoughts nd blogged for me tht is how much I could relate to this post! Thank you! You are not alone!

  7. We definitely all have days like that. Hell, sometimes they're months or years like that. But it does get better.

  8. feels good to get it out, doesn't it? sometimes blogging is better than therapy. :)

    glad you felt safe enough to share your feelings. i had one of those days yesterday, too but i'm so thankful for a new day!

  9. I think we all have those days. Thank goodness for husbands who can lend a helping hand when we need those days to wallow in bed. Hope things start lookin' up :)

  10. Hang in there. This mommy stuff is hard work, especially with the stress of trying for number too. Everybody has a bad day now and then.

  11. Laura- love this post! so honest and real! I can totally relate. It's hard not to let your mind wander- stay busy and this too shall pass.

  12. I can honestly say I feel your pain on this issue. I'm in that same boat with you, but don't have the guts to say it out loud. Thank you for this honest post...it's always nice to know you're not alone. I'll be saying some extra prayers for you!


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