Friday, September 7, 2012

Friday Letters

Dear son,

It's cool that you are having your "Daddy's boy" phase and all, but could you please stop treating mommy like she's some kind of child abuser while we are out together in public? Sometimes mommy needs to hold your hand. I promise the world won't end just because it's not daddy's. 

Broken Hearted

Dear Lola,

I know you are completely against us having a second child. I sense your disgust every time you pee in our closet, hide under the bed or run away from me in the backyard. Mama is getting too tired to chase you so I hope you bring your doggie GPS next time you decide to run. 

Lady with Dog for Sale

Dear OB,

I saw through your sly words this morning when you cleverly mentioned that I should be gaining only a pound a week at this point and then added that I had gained 6 since our last appointment 4 weeks ago. I'm also fairly sure that when you mentioned I had "blossomed" you were really telling me to lay off the cake. More importantly, I didn't appreciate it much when you handed me a bill for all the care you haven't provided just yet. That's fantastic. I love getting ginormous bills 3 months in advance without notice. 

Cake Taste Tester for Hire

Dear Martha Stewart,

I decided to share my lunch break with you yesterday and unfortunately came out feeling  worse about myself. I saw your perfectly folded kitchen towels, perfectly planned birthday ideas and perfectly decorated cakes. Yay you. Oh, and I'm sure your perfectly made bed is so much prettier than mine because you iron your sheets and I do not. You, yes you, are the perfect housewife please let me give you a gold star. I do wish you would fess up and admit that you probably have a billion assistants that do all of this for you. I do not find your show to be inspiring.

Cranky Housewife

Dear Horomones,

You are certainly in full swing this pregnancy. You have filled me with anxiety, exhausted me with frustration and single handedly raised my electric bill with all the hot flashes you are throwing me. The calmness I had while pregnant with Ethan has completely reversed with Jackson. Seriously can shove it.

All Hot and Bothered


  1. How can they bill you ahead of time? Do you have to do a payment plan or something? I didn't think legally they could do that.

  2. Oh girl! You do have a way with your words and I'm loving it:) I'm sorry things are a bit tough right now! Hang in there momma!

  3. Ha ha...ok seriously I needed some of your sarcasm to end the week on. Hope the weekend listens to you better than your week did :)

  4. Really cute letters! Love the one about your OB. I had my OB do the same thing, but mine was about Dairy Queen. :)

  5. This totally screams grouchy pregnant lady. But in a good way. I'm laughing my head off.


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