All I Want for Mother's Day is a Freaking Time Out

Let's be honest. At the moment, I'm in a rut. I know it's a phase and this too shall pass yada-yada, but for now I feel like being cynical so I'm going to unleash. 

Consider yourself warned.

I've been seeing all these Mother's Day commercials with beautiful well kept moms being surprised with gifts by their equally well kept, smiling children and all I can think is that it's all a complete load of BS.

No, Jared's I do not want your sparkly earrings. You know why? My earlobes will be ripped in two by my 4 month old that is all grabby, grabby lately.

No, Pro Flowers I do not want your beautiful bouquet of roses. The last time I got flowers my two year old picked the petals off one by one. I put what was salvageable on the mantle and forgot about them. It's been months and they are still sitting there all sad and dead looking.

And no Baskin Robbins, I absolutely do not want your ice cream cake. I'm having enough trouble as it is pretending I don't have an extra 10 pounds of baby fat to lose.

You know what I do want?

I want some peace and freaking quiet. I mean, I don't even want to hear a cricket. 

I'd like to avoid baby screams, dog barking and incessant toddler questions for a whole 24 hours. 

I don't want to wipe a butt, take someone to the potty or take a dog outside.

I don't want to be vomited on, have snot wiped on my shirt or have to clean up doggie accidents.

I want to be able to wake up and get out of bed when I freaking feel like it.

I want to drink my coffee while it's still hot.

I want to go to a restaurant and eat my food in absolute peace. In fact, I'd even settle for just being able to sit down to eat period.

I want to do something and actually be able to complete it without being interrupted 5 million times in-between.

I'd like to drive my car with the windows down listening to whatever station I want to listen to. I don't want to have to lean back to put in a paci or hear someone complain that it's too windy in the back. I don't want to point out every flag, truck or other toddler interest along the way. And I want to listen to my radio loud because I feel like singing, not because I'm trying to drown out the screaming in the backseat.

You know what I asked for?

Pajamas.

You want to know the reason?

I need a pair of button down pajamas so I can easily whip my boob out in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I'm betting they will come in a size XS that I can't even wear anymore because that's the size of my last pair that the hubs probably used to figure out what to buy. As soon as I squeeze my fat behind in them they will probably be instantly vomited on and stained with breastmilk.

Now I know why the advertisements are the way they are. You just can't sell real life. It's too messy.

Happy freaking Mother's Day.