Consider yourself warned.
I've been seeing all these Mother's Day commercials with beautiful well kept moms being surprised with gifts by their equally well kept, smiling children and all I can think is that it's all a complete load of BS.
No, Jared's I do not want your sparkly earrings. You know why? My earlobes will be ripped in two by my 4 month old that is all grabby, grabby lately.
No, Pro Flowers I do not want your beautiful bouquet of roses. The last time I got flowers my two year old picked the petals off one by one. I put what was salvageable on the mantle and forgot about them. It's been months and they are still sitting there all sad and dead looking.
And no Baskin Robbins, I absolutely do not want your ice cream cake. I'm having enough trouble as it is pretending I don't have an extra 10 pounds of baby fat to lose.
You know what I do want?
I want some peace and freaking quiet. I mean, I don't even want to hear a cricket.
I'd like to avoid baby screams, dog barking and incessant toddler questions for a whole 24 hours.
I don't want to wipe a butt, take someone to the potty or take a dog outside.
I don't want to be vomited on, have snot wiped on my shirt or have to clean up doggie accidents.
I want to be able to wake up and get out of bed when I freaking feel like it.
I want to drink my coffee while it's still hot.
I want to go to a restaurant and eat my food in absolute peace. In fact, I'd even settle for just being able to sit down to eat period.
I want to do something and actually be able to complete it without being interrupted 5 million times in-between.
I'd like to drive my car with the windows down listening to whatever station I want to listen to. I don't want to have to lean back to put in a paci or hear someone complain that it's too windy in the back. I don't want to point out every flag, truck or other toddler interest along the way. And I want to listen to my radio loud because I feel like singing, not because I'm trying to drown out the screaming in the backseat.
You know what I asked for?
You want to know the reason?
I need a pair of button down pajamas so I can easily whip my boob out in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I'm betting they will come in a size XS that I can't even wear anymore because that's the size of my last pair that the hubs probably used to figure out what to buy. As soon as I squeeze my fat behind in them they will probably be instantly vomited on and stained with breastmilk.
Now I know why the advertisements are the way they are. You just can't sell real life. It's too messy.
Happy freaking Mother's Day.