Wednesday, May 8, 2013

It's Time to Stop Dog-Paddling and Start Swimming the Butterfly.

I've started three posts tonight and deleted each one. I get the first few paragraphs out and then...just go blank. I so want to give you something sarcastic and oh, let's have a laugh at our latest shenanigans (and believe me...we have them), but I just can't. I keep coming back to this. 

I feel empty.

Used up.

And strange as it sounds...a tad robotic like.

This year was suppose to be our year of nothing. No major life events, a focus on the family and getting back to basics sort of year. And in a sense, that is exactly what it's been. And, maybe...that's the problem.

Or, maybe the problem is that I can't seem to get myself together.

Or, maybe the problem is that I'm realizing that this is just how it is and will be for the next, let's say, 5 years if I'm being optimistic. A constant roller coaster of unpredictable days, new battles, ever growing laundry piles and a floor that will never, ever be clean for more than 30 minutes. 

Parenting one child was an adjustment for me. Figuring out how to balance me time, baby time, relationship time and keeping things neat, tidy, organized and on schedule was a challenge. New me...with two...laughs at old me all the time these days. If only I knew how easy I had it! And I'm sure that when I have (if I you know it's bad) kid number three, I'll be sitting back re-reading this post (Who am I kidding? I'll be lucky to have time to brush my teeth at this rate.) just cackling at how ridiculous parent of two me was. 

Life is like that you know. You think you have it hard and then it throws something else in your face to make you realize that you really didn't have it that bad after all. And who am I kidding, a cake walk. My life is so incredibly blessed that I should be happy that drowning in a sea of laundry and toys is all that I have to complain about. And that "something else" that was thrown in my face was an answer to a prayer, a beautiful, giggly, smiley baby boy. Life is a messy, spit up laden, snotty face sort of way. 

I want to stop being joyful simply in hindsight. Well, I want to be joyful in hindsight, but I want to live joyfully in moment as well. 

Jackson is quickly approaching the 5 month mark and for some reason I feel like now is the time that I should have things "all figured out". I've been racking my brain the past month trying to come up with a plan of attack on how I can get my crap together. I want more than anything to run a smooth household and have personal, semi guilt free time to focus on the things that I enjoy doing for myself. I see other moms of two, three or more all the time that seem to have it all together and here I am shoving 5 month old Christmas candy in my mouth by the bucketful all woe is me wondering why I don't fit into my size 4 jeans among other things.

And just as clear as the answer to my size 4 pants problem is, I know the answer to my time management problem as well. I need to switch tactics. I need to rev up for change. I need to look at things in a new light. I need to stop whining and be proactive.

I'm tired of dog-paddling my way through life. I want to win gold medals or at least make it to the podium. 


  1. I have no doubt you'll find your inspiration to rev up your household again. If I do recall correctly, you were rocking it as a mother of one. I can only imagine it will take more than 5 months to get into the true swing of things with two. Hang in there Laura, you're doing great! And yes, the mother of three you will look back on this post and laugh one day :)

  2. We're at a year tomorrow, and I promise it gets better. Not easier, necessarily, but slightly more managable!! I think the guilt I feel for taking me time has lessened considerably in the last month now that I am only nursing morning and night and not constantly needing to be present to feed. Also, I have decided that my health (and excess weight- still need to lose about 7-10 lbs) is just as important as all the things I am doing for the boys. I have to make that a priority for me b/c no one else will. I'm right there with you on the should we stop at 2 b/c it is hard, but I definitely cannot imagine not having a baby again!!!


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