Yesterday's post was at least the second time if not third that I've posted something that included an apology.
Now that I look back, I realize how silly that was.
I hate to admit this, but sometimes I forget to just write for me. Sometimes I write with my audience in mind. *Gasp!* People want rainbows and sunshine. If there is a post about a particular struggle, they would prefer that it ended tied up in a pretty little bow that includes a life lesson and everyone dancing off into the sunset. It makes a great read, but that's just not life though...or at least not all the time. And, that's ok.
Sometimes as a mommy blogger, I feel the pressure to make everything just peachy. Sure there are some trials and tribulations everyone goes through as a parent and that we all freely share on our blogs: the sleep deprivation, the household chores that seem to never end, the sprinkles that are shoved up little noses and the furniture that our one year old's break. (Oh wait, you didn't go through those last two? Just me then, huh.) But I think deep down as moms, we feel the pressure to exude happiness at all times. Your children's childhood memories depend on it right? After all, this blog will be a reflection of my child's life experiences when everything is said and done. So maybe the audience I'm thinking about also includes my son one day.
It's funny how things change. Last year around this time I was fully immersed in being a mother. I had set myself aside and completely turned my focus on my newborn. This year, as things have calmed down and settled in, I see my focus being able to split so that I can include myself back in the picture. I like that. I miss me. I want this blog to be a reflection of both me as a mom and me as, well, me.
Sometimes I have a hard time separating those two people. While, deep down, I know this isn't true, I guess what I'm really afraid of is that my son will think that my unhappiness with myself is a reflection of my happiness with him. In the end, that's why I was really apologizing in those previous posts.
I think I'll go ahead and blame these feelings on the mommy guilt that apparently all mothers are given as some sort of twisted push present. That internal fear that we will do something to screw up our child's childhood. I don't want my own personal struggles to become that issue for Ethan.
It's a delicate balance to be me as a mom and me as me. Hopefully soon I will find it. In between time, I will be remembering that it's not necessary to exude happiness at every moment, either in real life or blog life.
All images are property of Laura Sager unless otherwise noted.