Somedays, between the timeouts and the laundry piles that I'm almost sure I'll drown in, I dream of what life might have been like if I had waited a little longer to have kids. I'll imagine myself hitting some sort of life-pause button so that I can run away to Europe to "find myself". Or, I'll envision myself holing up somewhere to reflect and come up with great plans or write something profound. I know these are most certainly just dreams because I'm entirely "too responsible" to do either of those things.
Other times I live a kid-free, responsibility free, guilt free life vicariously through friends who have chosen different life paths. The ones who have traveled the world, landed important jobs and moved to big cities. Sometimes I regret that I missed out on that adventure. I struggle to keep these friendships. Our lives seem so vastly different. My life must sound so ordinary and mundane to them.
You see, I went straight from college to a job I really didn't enjoy then right to being a mom. I feel like I never found "my calling" so to speak. Some could say that children are my calling, but something inside me tells me there is something else to come. In some ways, I guess you could say, I'm still trying to find the definition of me…"I'm a nurse", "I'm a teacher", I'm a _____. Up until now, I've filled that blank with mom, but lately, I've had a strong desire to fill that blank with something else.
It turns out the grass is greener on all sides. While I'm day dreaming of adventure, these friends of mine have confessed they are day dreaming of settling down. They travel the world and have grand adventures while I find it almost impossible to even get away for a date night with my husband. I fall asleep next to a man I know loves me every night while they are somewhere out there braving the dating world. From what I hear, it's scary out there… but sometimes it's scary here too. We are all chasing dreams… and we are all living them out. We've all made choices. We've all made sacrifices.
Sometimes I wonder if you can have it all. Maybe there is time for every dream. Or maybe life doesn't deliver dreams exactly as envisioned.
I told my husband the other night that I was feeling "twitchy". I'm ready for something new. A new adventure of my own. I'm ready to do something meaningful. I know I have something to offer, but I'm just not quite sure what. I'm ready for God to open doors and show me where I need to be and I'm praying that He will.
For now, I'm thankful for what I have. A husband, children and family are dreams come true. I can honestly say that my life is adventurous. My toddler makes certain of it. While I may be restless at the moment, I am certain peace will come.
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