Friday, January 23, 2009

The Pantyhose Woes

Pantyhose, pantyhose
Oh how wonderful you can be!
You hide my winter, white legs and keep them warm
But why, oh why do you have to cause me such woes?

Putting you on in the mornings can be such a disaster
You rip and you tear with the slightest snag
And it never fails,
You are always too long
Do I wear you at my hips or pull you up to my ribs?
The answer to that, I do not know

All day long you cause me pain
Cutting off my circulation
Rolling down when I sit
And falling down between my legs as I walk

In the thinnest of dresses you can not be worn
You show that squiggly little line that goes up the front
And create belly rolls that I simply do not have because of your tightness around my waist

And oh me, oh my!
How it kills me to see people wear you with open toe
Such a terrible fashion faux pas should be made known

I hate every version of you
The knee highs that are oh so unattractive
The thigh highs that fall down when it's cold
And the garter hoes - oh the garter hoes!

It must have been a man who invented those things
They are oh so impractical and only meant for play
Just the thought of a mans calloused hand causing snags makes me shiver
The cost of the attire and assembly time is ungodly

Who could imagine all the hooks that must be fastened
On that delicate, slippery fabric

Oh woe as me all the trouble you cause!


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA you're amazing.
    I've never made it through a whole day in pantyhose

  2. LOL

    I agree, I hate seeing women wear them with open toe shoes!

  3. LOL!!!!

    And yes. Panty hose with open toe shoes? NO-NO. A big no-no people!

  4. lol, I feel ya! especially the falling of the crotch. is anything else as horrible?!?!

  5. I have one word for you: Spanx. You'll never go back.

  6. Laura, you're far too clever to resort to a lame cliche like "a man must have invented pantyhose." Ladies, do you have any idea how many imperfections pantyhose help cover? What makes you think anyone wants to see your funky bare feet? Ugh. Bare feet in the workplace in summer. Double ugh.

  7. Ooooh, totally hate the crotch that sucks! Nice post and unlike "anonymous", I TOTALLY agree with you!

  8. Cheryl: Lucky you!

    Bella: Yeah we need to get the word out on this one!

    Melissa: Ok I see a team forming here on the fight against pantyhose with open toes...

    La Pixie: I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem.

    Lisette: Thanks!

    Sassy Britches: I have yet to try those out and I'm thinking it's about time I do - everyone seems to rave about them.

    Cyndi: Thanks!

    Anonymous: Thank you for complimenting my cleverness, but I feel you were being a bit sarcastic there. I have news for you though - it was a man who invented the pantyhose, in fact it was Allen Grant Sr. in 1953. Refer to Wikipedia if you want to double check me. Now, since you weren't brave enough to put your name by your comment, I have no idea whether you are male or female. I do just want to point out though that only women are expected to wear pantyhose and I can assure you we aren't the only ones with imperfections as well as we aren't the only ones who show our feet in the summer. Do your research next time before you decide to call someone out - especially anonymously.

    Bodaat: Thanks - I'm glad you enjoyed this just for fun post.

  9. I don't know what all the hate with wearing Pantyhose. I wear them everyday no matter what the weather is Hot or cold. Pantyhose have come a long way since the 60, 70, and even 80's and they are much more comfortable to wear. I wear the higher end hose, and they don't run as easy, and are more comfortable today then in the 70's & 80's with the new fibers.
    Think of hose as make-up for the legs. If you take a 10 - 30 minutes in the morning to makeup your face and do your hair, and pick an outfit, then why not take an extra 5 minutes to makeup your legs.
    I know I get lots of compliments for men, and from some woman on how nice my legs look.
    To prove my point I went to the local mall with my husband (who loves to see me and other lady in hose) and walked through with skirt and bare legs, and not one person made a remark or gave me a second look. The next day we went back to the same mall, and this time I had Tan color silky hose on, and a skirt, (I wear shorts with hose as well) and my husband walked a few steps back, and men kept doing double takes my husband told me. On guy turned to get another look at me, and the girl he was with smacked him. When we went to the food court, 2 different guys came up and asked for my name and phone #. Now you tell me ladies, what was the reason for the 2 different reactions? ANSWER- Men like to see ladies made up, and they love to see hose on them. Most men are afraid to tell there girlfriends or wives about this. So I say find a brand of hose you like the feel and fit, and start showing your legs in hose. Hollywood is starting to wear hose again, and they are showing up on runways as well.

    Katie Perry From I Kissed a Girl is one of the Younger Girls that are embracing Hose wearing.

  10. gooood girl: Thanks! Hope you check back in from time to time.

    Young Traveler: Thanks!

    Donna from Philly: It is true, they are like make up for the legs. I do see the benefits of them, which is why I ever bother to put them on from time to time. I guess for me I just find them bothersome and uncomfortable. Maybe I just haven't tried the right kinds (I am open to suggestions). I am also TERRIBLE about snagging them and that is so frustrating for me! I'm not suggesting that no one ever wear hose - I was just poking fun at all the trouble they personally cause me.

    Maybe my next rant should be about high heels. Now that's one "beauty product" that I LOVE and can't resist, but it too causes me pain haha.

  11. Hahahahahahah thats hilariously awesome! Yahoo featured Miley Cyrus (or another upcoming celeb who kinda looks like her) with some ripped stockings which she claimed was a style statement. Ugh..!

  12. HAHAH!!! You are too funny!

    You found a new reader. :)

  13. Hilarious!!! Thanks for stopping by!

  14. Haha! Too cute. I totally refuse to wear pantyhose for the exact reasons you listed.

    By the way, I posted a link to the instructions I used to get 3 columns on my blog. Also, I posted a poll about the new format, so go vote! :)


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