Thursday, January 29, 2009

You Better Be Glad I'm A Nice Person

Dear previous resident,

First of all, I must say what poor choices you made when deciding to paint this house. I am confused as to why you decided it would be nice to live in a dark hole? The whole downstairs painted in Army Tank Green with the poopie brown accent color going up the hall did NOT compliment the 1980's style gold light fixtures. In fact, nothing does. The bathroom upstairs confuses me the most with it's Hollywood style lighting around the mirror and the tan (yes, I said tan) woodwork. Not only did you pick terrible colors, you also did a sloppy job. Thanks for painting ALL the hinges and the door knobs when you painted the trim. We just replaced them all, no biggie.

Don't even get me started on the mess you left us with in the downstairs bathroom. My husband will never speak to you again after the three layers of wallpaper and the mudding he had to do after the wallpaper removal ravaged the walls. And did you really get sad when we saw you in Home Depot a month or so after the move and told you we repainted the whole house? That solidifies the idea in my mind of what your next home must look like if that really was your taste.

Oh yeah, and thanks for not telling us that the water pipe on the back porch was busted. We found that out when the guy came to clean out the air conditioner and was using the hose. I can't tell you how happy I was to discover that when it flooded my kitchen cabinets. Can't wait to get that fixed. I'm sure it won't cost much. Oh and good job with painting the house so dark you couldn't tell how dirty the carpet was. Once we painted our downstairs a bright, sunny yellow, we discovered you must have had a pet even though you told us you didn't. No worries, we just replaced the carpet. And can I just tell you how unnecessary it is to hang a picture with a concrete anchor? We found those all over the house. Every time we ripped one out, it brought the drywall with it.

Now we get to the real problem and the reason you better be glad I'm a nice person. The mail. After we moved in we received tons of mail in your name. We were so nice to even call the realtor to let you know because it looked important (you know, bank statements, bills and the like). You didn't return our calls. I continued to keep it for you because I'm a nice person even though it was overtaking our coffee table. You know that time we saw you in Home Depot and you were sad about the paint. Well you also took down our number so you could come by and pick up the mail. You never came by so we threw it out.

Eventually it seemed like you did set up that handy dandy forwarding address because we stopped receiving most of you mail for sometime. It seems as though you weren't smart enough to actually let the important people know your new address. After awhile even the post office gets tired of taking care of your dirty work, because it has started showing up again.

I got your Christmas postcard from your friends with the 3 little blonde children. They're cute. They wished you happy holidays. In fact, I even let them hang out on my fridge for a little while because their smiling faces brought me joy. I've received your bank statements every month probably with your account numbers on them. Oh, and if your debit and credit cards aren't working, it's because your renewed ones more than likely came to our house. And just the other day, I think I received your W2's. I'm sure that probably has your social security number on it. Thinking about it now, I could really be you. I could take out loans in your name, use your credit card numbers and go on that trip to Europe my husband and I have been dreaming about.

No worries though, I am a nice person that believes stealing someone's identity is wrong. I threw everything out I received in your names. I even shredded the credit cards for you so the dumpster divers couldn't get it. Just a suggestion though, next time why don't you just change all of your information with the direct source? Let your bill collectors, your bank, your credit card companies, and your employer know where you are residing. The next people who move into your home might not be as nice.


Your mail collector

***Disclaimer: My husband thought it would be wise of me to add that no actual mail was opened. Opening someone elses mail is a federal offense. I am basing my assumptions of the mail contents off the information on the envelope. ***


  1. This is hilarious! Green paint....really and poopie brown trim. Why? Yellow is sooo much better. Sounds like you've done a ton of work on the place! Why wouldn't someone be more careful with their personal mail.... sometimes I wonder about people ;)

  2. Oh wow that sounds like a lot of work. I hope you bought it cheap.

  3. Seriously, sometimes I wonder what the world is coming to if people like that are allowed to walk around unchecked. They say ignorance is bliss, but all the non-ignorant people have to pick up the pieces. Sheesh.

    (And glad your husband is looking out for your criminal status!)

  4. Histerical!! I am recieving mail from 2 tennents ago... I just throw it away. Althought, a membership to AARP while I"m only 26 might be nice...

  5. Dude thats irresponsible (and stupid) to the highest degree. Maybe they're outlaws??

    We just moved into a new house and found lots of the same crud you did. Molly bolts for wall hangings (did they hang 50 lb pictures?), dark walls and paint on things that weren't supposed to be painted. (Like the edges of crown molding.) Ugh.

    We got a lot of mail and just wrote "No longer at this address" and put it back in the mail. Its finally subsiding a bit.

    Loved your letter idea. Maybe you should mail it to them when you find their address...

  6. That is hilarious. I think you should track this person down and send them this letter. :)

  7. u really seem to be a nice person to survive all this :)

  8. haha, that is so funny! I just moved out of my old apartment because there were mice and other rodents and wasn't surprised when I saw my landlord showing it to people, despite the fact that the rodent problem has not been fixed!!! Seriously, some people need to get a clue!

  9. That sounds an awful lot like Shrek's house....

  10. That's just awful! Some people are so irresponsible!

  11. Wow! He is very lucky that you are a nice 'mail collector'. Haha! This could have ended very badly for him.

    P.S. I can't believe he was actually upset that you repainted the awful colors!! Eek!

  12. oh my! I"m here from SITS....and wow...what a post. I can't believe someone is dumb enough to let such precious information in the hands of strangers. eeekkkkk....I'm glad you are a nice person as well.

    Have a great day!

  13. That sounds just horrible! I moved into a forclousure and it had the same awful tan trim all over. There must have been a HUGE sale!

  14. Opening someone's mail is a federal offense!?!


    And at least they're out!

  15. Jon and Steph: I think they must have worked nights and just wanted to sleep all the time. Maybe that explains the dark hole!

    Bella: Yeah we got a pretty good deal on it - hopefully we've improved it enough to get a decent price for it when we move.

    Sassy Britches: I agree! And yes, my husband is thoughtful like that haha.

    Kitty: Yep, I've heard you can get some pretty good deals with that.

    Random Moments: Oh goodness sounds like you are suffering from the exact same problem.

    Young Traveler: I would, but they know where I live! Agh!

    Pretty Me: Thanks!

    High-heel gal: That's just terrible - and gross!

    Cheryl: hahaha - well it's not bad now!

    Chloie: agreed!

    Ashley: Yes, he is lucky. Europe sounds awful nice right now!

    Corey~living and loving: Thanks for visiting

    Carrin: Maybe so - that's the only possible reason I can think of why someone would feel the need to do that.

    Mama Kat: haha yep - well now you know. Don't get caught!

  16. When we moved into our house, besides the ugly wallpaper, the previous residents started a lot of projects and quit in the middle. And they let their teenaged son fix things and paint lots of rooms with terrible colors. He got paint on the window and door frames while he was at it and didn't bother to remove it. We didn't notice because it was behind the curtains when we toured the house. Now, everything we find wrong with the house, we blame on him. "Well, that must be Jon's work." "I bet Jon did that." "That looks like something Jon would do."

  17. ewwwww army green paint, really? gross. At least you'll have some pretty nice before and after pictures to brag about. Anything is a step up from that ;)

  18. Oh you're frustrated!!!!

    Yep, they better be happy you're nice person!!!

  19. Omg!!! People suck! But you absolutely don't. Yay nice people! Good luck. :)

  20. CJ: Yeah we pretty do curse our past resident fairly often during home improvements.

    Mama: Yeah army grean paint - and yeah - gross!

    Maki: Most of the actual frustration has passed since we have almost fixed everything.

    jlc: Thanks!

  21. haha love the disclaimer about the mail.

  22. Okay not to be all like ME TOOO! but the disclaimer was hilarious. I can picture him reading this and being like ummm honey...

    And yeah. Sounds like after all that hard work you should join in my photo assignment for this month and take some cool pics of your favorite nooks and crannies of your totally redone house.


  23. I second the picture request! I have this vivid picture of how horrid it looked before, I need a relplacement description at least.
    I love your sarcasm. It made my day!


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